Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
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Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either