[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
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God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
how to have fun when you’re poor
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane