DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
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I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead