Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
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he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes