The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
You Might Also Like
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”