Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
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Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
looks legit
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I bet
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Previously On Persistence 😎
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild