My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
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A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Mad Max Arctic Road
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.