Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
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I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
My wife gives the best headache.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!