*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
You Might Also Like
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.