Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
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Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
At an art museum and I thought this was art
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.