A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
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My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying