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“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.