please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
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Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Nothing to do, you say?
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
I’m already scared
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.