Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
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My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.