Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
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Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.