*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
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Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Y’all know who you are.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.