Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
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*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
you have three unread messages
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke