I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
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‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Children of the corn 🌽
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”