Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
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what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
When someone trying to leave me
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
tourist season
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
getting groceries
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW