I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
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I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.