Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
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Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
i did the math
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard