Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
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If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I bet
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son