If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
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I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
the world’s most popular steaming services
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared