Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
You Might Also Like
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
S M O L
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything