AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
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My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.