We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
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Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?