When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
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Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
I think this should do it.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
inside you are two wolves