Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
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Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
my proudest tweet
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*