Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
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Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll