ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
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But that’s none of my business
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great