My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
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Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me