If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
You Might Also Like
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”