I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
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Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Found the job I’m suited for
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry