Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
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Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?