Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
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Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA