Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
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Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)