Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
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food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
they really do be looking like this
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I’m just playing devils avocado here
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.