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Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…