Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
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Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.