Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
You Might Also Like
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏