“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
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It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook