The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
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Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins