3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
You Might Also Like
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.