All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
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where’s Godzilla when we need him
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
May have had one breakfast too many
Bobby pin
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.