If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
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Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
rise and shine we got egg
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.