Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
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Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please