*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
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Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
i choose….tongue
this is funnier than any friends episode
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Knock Knock
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Name this drama.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Ah yes. The three genders