Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
You Might Also Like
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
The first matador