[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
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I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
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SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
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my toddler: all of them.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
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Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.