Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
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freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.